Saturday 11 January 2014

… but when I put the batteries in it … by Lettia

When I opened the smallest present out of all of that I received was shocked that my mum had brought me a wind-up toy. It had a design of a polar bear that went all around the toy. “Can I play with it yet?” I begged my family. My mum nodded her head as she walked away to get changed. I was excited until I saw that it needed batteries to work. As I stood up I found 2 of them sitting tiredly on the chair, so I picked them up, placed them inside and waited when something bizarre happened…

1 comment:

  1. Mr Mullard (Team 100WC)12 January 2014 at 16:19

    A very successful opening sentence, Lettia. The reader is immediately curious about what is inside this smallest present of all and why it shocked you. Several questions spring to the reader's mind as a result - who has received the present and why was the present so shocking or unsuitable? You continue and develop this interest well by showing your excitement and mum's lack of interest but your description of the two batteries tiredly sitting in a chair interrupted the pace of the story without seeming to add anything to it - why were they tired and did they cause the bizarre happening? I was a bit confused by this and it got in the way of your final remark. This was a promising piece of writing for WC100 Lettia. Well done!

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