Saturday 1 March 2014
Paris #23
In the sky was a massive grey fluffy cloud, pushing through the earth. With a BANG and a CRASH it went through the Earth, everyone who lived on the Earth, had no choice to die or not… so that was mad, after that the cloud fluff got fluffier and fluffier and pink, just like it’s going to turn into candy floss, but nobody knew what was happening, they were just trying to stay out of it all… but they couldn't it all got bigger and bigger, and bigger, all the little kids were scared it was terrifying, ah and then…
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Hi. Interesting story about the cloud. I found what you were trying to say a bit difficult to read as it did not flow as well as it could have. I find that if I read my work out loud to myself, I can see where to use commas and full stops to best effect. Without spoiling your sense of urgency, can you see how you could make it flow better? Ask your teacher for help if you are not sure, otherwise well done
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