Silence filled the river. I was playing with the
zip on my pyjamas when a clash of thunder boomed down on my makeshift shelter
for the night: an old raft with a cardboard box on top of it. A streak of
lightning cascaded down from the sky, causing the box to fly away. I was now
cold, and what made it even worse was that the raft swam away, deeper and
deeper into the depths of nowhere. I was trapped, for sure. Another bolt of
lightning came whizzing past, the luminous orange colour was the only light for
miles around.Saturday 21 May 2016
Silence Orange Thunder Pyjamas Swam by Rhianna
Silence filled the river. I was playing with the
zip on my pyjamas when a clash of thunder boomed down on my makeshift shelter
for the night: an old raft with a cardboard box on top of it. A streak of
lightning cascaded down from the sky, causing the box to fly away. I was now
cold, and what made it even worse was that the raft swam away, deeper and
deeper into the depths of nowhere. I was trapped, for sure. Another bolt of
lightning came whizzing past, the luminous orange colour was the only light for
miles around.
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Rhianna you've done a nice job of writing with great detail, in telling about the set-up of the raft as well as the mood of the setting. I could well imagine the cold and trying to find shelter from that as well as the lightening. You use some great adjectives that make your story very thrilling to read. I am nominating your piece for the showcase; keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteWe liked your adjectives. We liked the verbs. We liked that it was written in sentences and it made sense.
ReplyDeleteFrom Scarlett and Sicily
The story was very interesting and I could actually imagine it happening. What I liked about it is the adjectives you used. What I think you can improve on is maybe more of an interesting start. Very good story.
ReplyDeletethis was amazing I loved how you included great use of langue. You used great punctuation and I would believe that this story really happened. One thing that you could work on is really grabbing your audiences' attention in your first sentence, other then that this was a great story and really deserved to be showcased!
ReplyDeleteYou've included some really detailed descriptions; I could imagine the scene very well. I'm not sure that rafts can actually 'swim' away... but I loved the mystery here.
ReplyDelete