I felt very nervous when it came to crossing that river. Deadly pink fish lurked at the bottom of the bubbling
water. I had an idea of how to get over the river, but it was very risky. It
was my only option. I had to jump. Slowly, I walked backwards to give myself a
run up. I lunged forward towards the murky river and jumped higher than I had
ever jumped before. I landed with such force that I nearly threw up the cooked breakfast I
consumed earlier that morning! Looking up, I saw stairs leading to a house...
Hi Tom!
ReplyDeleteI really loved your story. The way you worked in the prompt words was absolutely wonderful. They felt naturally in place, and your story was coherent and interesting, which I thought was great!
I particularly enjoyed how you built up the tension in this part: "It was my only option. I had to jump" with short, snappy sentences that emphasize the importance of the situation.
If I had one "even better if..." it would be to try starting your sentences with a bigger variety of words, rather than starting with "I" so often.
I would love to see how your story continued: what might your character find up those mysterious stairs?
Keep writing!
Ana, team 100wc, Oxford, England