Saturday 1 September 2018

STAIRS RIVER PINK COOKED NERVOUS by Tom


I felt very nervous when it came to crossing that river. Deadly pink fish lurked at the bottom of the bubbling water. I had an idea of how to get over the river, but it was very risky. It was my only option. I had to jump. Slowly, I walked backwards to give myself a run up. I lunged forward towards the murky river and jumped higher than I had ever jumped before. I landed with such force that I nearly threw up the cooked breakfast I consumed earlier that morning! Looking up, I saw stairs leading to a house...

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tom!

    I really loved your story. The way you worked in the prompt words was absolutely wonderful. They felt naturally in place, and your story was coherent and interesting, which I thought was great!

    I particularly enjoyed how you built up the tension in this part: "It was my only option. I had to jump" with short, snappy sentences that emphasize the importance of the situation.

    If I had one "even better if..." it would be to try starting your sentences with a bigger variety of words, rather than starting with "I" so often.

    I would love to see how your story continued: what might your character find up those mysterious stairs?

    Keep writing!

    Ana, team 100wc, Oxford, England

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