Saturday 26 April 2014

…but I couldn't find the egg…, by Olivia

Suddenly I woke remembering it was Easter. I jumped out of bed and got dressed then woke my family. After breakfast my mum got the camera and I got the baskets ready for the egg hunt. We started near the door and within five seconds we were off. This time my mum hid us each a big egg instead of lots of tiny little one.
"Oh," my mum said with a gasp, "where is my wedding ring? Oh I left it on Olivia's egg!"
Ten minutes later the hunt was over. "Did you find my ring?"
"No I'm sorry …but I couldn't find the egg…!"

1 comment:

  1. Hello Olivia,
    The beginning of your story is immediately engaging. Starting with a word such as 'suddenly' interjects the reader into the action of the story right away which increases the excitement. The piece has movement and action.
    Your creative choice of a problem is unique and continues to raise the level of enjoyment and anticipation. Attempting to find such a significant object as a wedding ring builds the tension in the story.
    My suggestion for making your writing even better is to pump up the verbs in your writing. Strong action verbs add emotion and power to your composition. Try replacing 'got' by using 'located' or 'prepared'. Instead of 'said' perhaps Mum could have 'shrieked' and then gasped.
    The cliff hanger at the end is an excellent way to leave your reader wanting more!
    Thank you for sharing your creativity,
    Gina Felton (Team 100, Iowa USA)

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