A walk through a forest. It was a great day. Perfect, as a matter of fact. I was walking in the forest, and saw a brown, medium size man. I approached him, and asked, "Are you okay...sir?" No response. I ask again, but louder, "Are you okay...sir, answer me please." The only words I could describe of him were, no face, no head, no arms? It was confusing. Itcould have been astatue perhaps. Until, it gently turned its head at me. "Sir, honestly, please answer me." It then walked towards me. I then got scared and screamed...at the top of my lungs. I ran and ran and ran and NEVER looked back. I dialled 999 and he was arrested. I never felt so good.
I like your story and how you make the reader think it is a statue until the last minute. I think you could make some improvements to your grammar. On the second bit of speech, you need to change it slightly- "Sir... are you okay? Answer me please." Also, your sentences start of quite choppy- I think you should aim for a good mix of longer and shorter sentences. Also- could there be a better way of expressing 'ran and ran and ran'- such as scampered, sprinted, jolted. I think you could write in a concise way which would have more impact. Nonetheless, great story and keep writing!
I like your story and how you make the reader think it is a statue until the last minute. I think you could make some improvements to your grammar. On the second bit of speech, you need to change it slightly- "Sir... are you okay? Answer me please." Also, your sentences start of quite choppy- I think you should aim for a good mix of longer and shorter sentences. Also- could there be a better way of expressing 'ran and ran and ran'- such as scampered, sprinted, jolted. I think you could write in a concise way which would have more impact. Nonetheless, great story and keep writing!
ReplyDeleteOk. I'll be sure to work on that. Thanks for your feedback!
ReplyDelete