“I’m off now mum, see you later!” I exclaimed whilst walking towards the front door to leave and go happily to school. The holidays have just finished and it’s my first day back so I don’t want to give a bad impression towards the teachers on my first day.
We were in school. The lights turned off. It was dark. Everyone went into the hall, “No need to panic everyone it’s about to turn back on,” one teacher called. The little boy kept on staring at the light waiting till it came on and the light blinded him, it was hilariously funny.
Dear Fatima,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you added many aspects to the story. The way you incorporated the prompt was very funny. The kid staring at the lights must not have been very smart.
From, Caden
Hey Fatima,
ReplyDeleteThis was a very good story. I really enjoyed when the light blinded him in the end, but next time maybe you should be more specific on how it was funny.
Sincerely,
Kaitlyn
Dear Fatima,
ReplyDeleteYou used very good word choice, and I enjoyed reading your story. It was very funny towards the end, and I like how you included the prompt. I think your story could have used a bit more details though.
From,
Cara
Hey Fatima,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your short story. I kinda felt that the transitioning between events in the hallway was rushed, but overall you did a good job.
From, Susan
Hey Fatima,
ReplyDeleteGood job with the words you chose and I like the setting. The way you had the lights turned off on the first day of school was cool. I feel like you could have explained more on the part where the light blinded him, why was it funny, I feel like you can put more detail into that.
From, Seth
Hey Fatima,
ReplyDeleteI loved your story, but you made one tiny mistake, you forgot to add a comma after ¨first day back.¨
Hey Fatima
ReplyDeleteI liked your short story, you did good on setting the theme, I feel you didn't put enough detail into some parts, and on some parts you could have added a coma instead of a period like when you were saying"We were in school", I feel like you could have put a comma, and more detail.
From Graham
comma, sorry for the mistake.
DeleteHey Fatima,
ReplyDeleteThe source was somehow interesting. I like where the story is at. I enjoyed the part when the lights came of, but while there are good parts, there are parts that you need to work on. For example, the part when you added hilariously and funny. Plus, since the light came of, you're not supposed to see the light, or anything at all. And lastly, instead of just adding complete and short sentences, you should add conjunctions to them, or just a simple comma.
Sincerily,
Donald.
Hello Fatima,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your challenge. Your incorporation of the prompt was well used and I could tell it was cleverly thought out. If you would like a suggestion, try including the little boy earlier on in the story so your readers know why you are including him. Overall, this was an intriguing story. You did very well and I would definitely love to read more of your work.
Your friend,
Veda