Saturday 12 January 2019

Jessica S - The light blinded him


It was the first day back after the Christmas holiday. Mrs Wellsted had organised a year six staff meeting. Mr Ball offered to make coffee for everyone. Ten minutes had passed and Mr Ball still hadn’t returned with the coffee. Everybody wondered where he was, he wasn’t in the staff room or the hall. In the distance they could hear a banging. Mrs Wellsted said, “I think I know where he is.” She grabbed her torch and headed over to the cupboard. She carefully opened the door and the light blinded him. Mr Ball said, “Thank goodness you found me.”

11 comments:

  1. Dear Jessica,

    I really enjoyed reading your story, and loved the humor of Mr. Ball getting locked in a closet. Although, the first time I read the story I was slightly confused, and maybe next time you can explain the character's thoughts a little bit more, and make sure to show, not tell.

    Keep Writing! - Trey

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  2. Dear Jessica S,

    I enjoyed your take on the prompt. It was enjoyable to read. I liked the suspense when Mr. Ball disappeared and was found in a cupboard.
    One thing that I could just critique on was that I wish that you had included just a little bit more of figurative language.
    Overall it was great story to read.

    From,
    Abby

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  3. Dear Jessica S,
    Your excerpt was very pleasurable to read. Towards the end, I was wondering, why was Mr. Ball was stuck in the cupboard? Your last sentence made me want to read more and find out exactly why Mr. Ball was absent for a long time. I really liked how you added some mystery in your story, but something that you could work on is to show instead of tell. Your excerpt seems to be in chronological order,going through the events of what happened instead of describing it with more adjectives and descriptive language. For example, instead of saying "ten minutes had passed and Mr. Ball still hadn't returned with the coffee", you could rephrase the sentence by saying "my heart was beating fast and my adrenaline was running- Mr. Ball was extremely late for a peculiar reason." But overall, your excerpt was quite exciting. Thank you for your work!

    Sincerely,
    Mary

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  4. Dear Jessica S,
    Your 100 word challenge was very interesting, and I really liked it. However, I think there should be more of a plot. I also think you needed a better way of showing the light "blinded him plot"

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  5. Deer Jessica S,
    your 100 word challenge is very impressive, the last part is very interesting, and a great hook to keep us reading. One critique I have is that the phrases can be changed to be made more interesting. A new things you could add is more dialogue between the staff.

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  6. Dear Jessica S,
    Your 100 word challenge was great you had a great story line,but you had a few grammar errors in your writing. For example when you right Mr.,Ms.,Or Mrs. you should add a period after. Another thing was you could describe how the charters responded or what they said.
    -From you friend in America

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  7. Dear Jessica S,
    I really like your 100 word challenge. It had an interesting concept and I'd like to see what happens next. I did notice that there should be a period after "Mrs." or "Mr." Also, organized is spelled with a 'z', not an 'S'. You also missed a comma after the word "distance" and "door." Other than the missing punctuation and the misspelling of some words, I think that this 100 Word Challenge is really getting somewhere.

    Your friend from Chicago,
    Zacharie ^ω^

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  8. Dear Jessica S,
    Your 100 word challenge was very impressive and left me wondering how did Mr.Ball end up in the cupboard. Although I do think that you could change Mrs and Mr since they have a period after them. Another comment that I have is that you used he too much and there are better ways to keep the readers entertained.
    Another Blogger,
    Natalia

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  9. Dear Jessica S,
    Your 100 word challenge was really good. However, I think there should have been more of a plot. There could have been a way of transitioning to figuring out where Mr. Ball is. Also when I read at first, it was a little bit confusing to read.

    Sincerely,
    Mira

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  10. Dear Jessica S,
    Your 100 word challenge piece was awesome. I really love the way you told where your setting took place in the story. Although when you stated there was a noise by the cupboard you should have used some other words to describe what the noise was or even sounded like.
    From your friend in america,
    Destiny

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  11. Dear Jessica S i enjoyed reading your post I liked how you made the setting a school I thought that was cool I also noticed that you have exactly 100 words.

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