Thursday 1 March 2018

Ladder Goldfish Flew Brown Slowly by Alexander,

The unusually brown goldfish flew up the ladder, from his point of view anyway, really, he was going rather slowly. "You alright down there?" shouted Lincoln, who was at the top of the ladder, waiting on the roof. "Well?" he shouted again. 
"Yes, YES!", he shouted back. 
"Well then hurry up!" 
They were trying to get to roof for the school competition, but it was going badly, as fish can not climb ladders, even the dumbest of people know that, so Lincoln must be pretty dumb. 
"AAAHHH!" the goldfish fell off. 
"OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?" No reply. "WELL?"

2 comments:

  1. I like the way you got stuck into your story straight away. Could you have a little less dialogue and a bit more action?
    Mr. M. (Team 100WC)
    (Snowy) Bedfordshire, UK.

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  2. Hi Alexander,

    This is a really nice piece, a great use of the prompt! This week’s prompt is a list of words, of seemingly unrelated nature. Bringing visual effect to the words, you describe a setting which follows a school competition, and link the words in a seamless fashion which feels natural to the piece. By setting out the plot early in the piece, a school competition, you create a structure which gives the piece stability and puts the reader in the centre of the action. Using this makes the reader feel attached to the piece, and makes them more engaged. This makes the piece interesting right from the start. This theme of a school competition is one that many will be familiar with, even in their own personal lives, as most people have taken part in one at some points in their lives. This makes it very relatable to the reader. This makes the reader imagine such a visual description of the setting as a whole. I can relate to this too as I have enjoyed many a competition at school, relishing in the opportunity for some good fun! By explaining clearly the atmosphere, such as how the goldfish was climbing the ladder, you engage with the reader. You use imagery which fits perfectly with the setting. Bringing in specific information like how the fish was brown demonstrates great imagination and contrasts the setting. This puts the reader in the front of the story, and this really makes you focus on the piece. The piece continues to develop, as the other character Lincoln is introduced. With the piece developing, you reveal what they are doing. This creates a sense of urgency, pushing to the end of the piece. With the fish trying to climb, you state the obvious in that fish can’t climb, and it falls to the ground which creates a sense of comic relief, but also leaves the reader wondering what will happen to the fish. Good use of grammar and punctuation too, especially your use of the exclamation and quotation marks. Keep up the good work!

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