Saturday 17 February 2018

...we were moving very fast.. by Olivia W

Today was the day we were finally moving, I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep. Later we waited a little till it was the evening so we would arrive at our new house in the morning. At 6:53 pm we started grabbing our stuff and walking to the car, we started to put our stuff in the back of the car. Whilst we were driving to our new house there was a load of traffic. As we started driving again, we were moving very fast when suddenly two cars crashed right in front of ours, I got scarred for life....

1 comment:

  1. Hi Makenna,

    This is a really nice piece, a great use of the prompt! The prompt is an opening that describes how you were moving very fast. While you you don’t use the prompt immediately, you describe a familiar setting of moving house, which takes a horrific turn. By explaining in the first sentence what the piece will be about, moving house, you create a structure which the reader can follow. Using this makes the reader feel attached to the piece, and makes them more engaged. This makes the piece interesting right from the start. This topic of moving house is one that many will be familiar with, even in their own personal lives, as I’m sure most people have moved house at some points in their lives. This makes it very relatable to the reader. This makes the reader imagine such a visual description of the setting as a whole. I can relate to this as I too have experienced this previously when I was younger. By explaining clearly the atmosphere, such as being so excited that you couldn’t sleep, you engage with the reader. You use imagery which fits perfectly with the setting. Bringing in specific information like the time you are leaving demonstrates great imagination and is very topical in the setting. This puts the reader in the front of the story, and this really makes you focus on the piece. You describe the turn in fortunes effectively, with the crash really holding the reader in suspense, developing the story even more. The crash happening speeds the piece to a suspenseful stop, and the comment on how it effects you for life really ends on an effective morbid note. Good use of grammar and punctuation too, especially your use of the ellipsis. Keep up the good work!

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